At A Loss For Words
by Trivher
Summary: Disney and Tait own them. That is all I have to say say about it.


Ich besitze nicht diese Zeichen oder die Songlyrics. I, zu besitzen den Plot aber das Sehen, wie schrecklich es ich ist, wünschen, daß ich nicht.****

_I'm at a loss,   
I'm at a loss for words, I really want to say  
I'm finding for myself  
What can I do   
When every road I travel leads me back to you   
Instead of somewhere else  
I apologize_

I tried to be normal.  But what is normal?  Going to clubs, gabbing on the phone and doing what everyone does just because.  Well that seems completely idiotic to me, so I stopped trying to be normal.  So what am I now?  I would really love to know.  Nothing in this world suits me, still searching for my magic fortay to call my mine.  A cliché one could say.  All my life I just went with the wave of changes brought to me.  Now however I'm getting tired of my life being laid out in front of me.  I wanted to escape but she was stopping me.  And she didn't even know it.  
  
_Cause what I wanted to say   
Never came out the way  
I wanted it to, I wanted it to   
Cause what I wanted to say   
Only got in the way  
I never meant to hurt you   
But I didn't have a clue_

I wish I could of left before I hurt her and me.  I hate seeing people broken inside, the pieces so damaged they become dust particles.  I couldn't though, I had to know the answer or I would ponder what if forever.  My replacement stood in my place no one knew how long he would be needed.  A part of me wanted to say forever, let them know I was becoming a passing wind never to blow by again.  I couldn't though.  I'm too attached to these people, the memories, and must importantly of all her.  I watch her, in awe of her beauty and grace.  She sees me but refuses to look for long.  It's too painful and I suppose upsetting for her.  After all in her heart I abandoned her.  
  
_I'm just a man   
I'm just a man in need of something better than  
I'm finding for myself   
You count the cost   
For everything you gain there's always something lost   
You're worth so much more  
Listen to my heart whispering  
I need you_

I should of given more of an advanced warning I was leaving the band.  Let it stink in for a little while.  But that would of led to questions and everyone trying to get me to stay.  I would of caved in and made them happy but me miserable.  I'm tired of being to one who always gives and never receives.  I had to find out who I am.  To learn if she is apart of me or just some school boy's crush.  Seeing her avoiding my glace makes me think maybe it's true about us.  I sound like an idiot or doped out of my mind so high I can no longer see the ground.  My mom always told me to listen to my heart if she knew my hearts desire she would eat her words.  I leave the room leaving my heart lying on the table.  
  
_Cause what I wanted to say   
Never came out the way  
I wanted it to, I wanted it to   
Cause what I wanted to say   
Only got in the way  
I never meant to hurt you   
But I didn't have a clue_

Feeling the bumps of the poorly paved road, the area where my heart used to be starts to tear.  Every mile away from her I want to die.  I have been away before this time it was different though.  A man reaches certain stages in his life when he lays childish games down and enters the world of the adults.  I think I have come to that point.  How do I convince her I am truly willing to be her's forever.  What if she doesn't want me?  I exit the bus at the next stop, pick up the phone and dial, and listen to countless rings in my ear.   
  
_Empty words cannot suffice  
I've been runnin' from what I know is right   
When only Yours are words of life_

I give up, setting the phone back down.  I take the unanswered response to my call has a sign has I was making a mistake.  I really need to move on if only for a few days.  My flip-flop emotions never being able to make up my mind is fighting me.  But that's what I get for allowing the world to make every discussion for me.  I do know the right moves, the correct actions to take but I'm scared.  Of rejection just like everyone else, maybe I am normal after all.  I can't find out my answer to the questions I can barely even convince myself I have if I stay here forever.   
  
_Cause what I wanted to say   
Never came out the way  
I wanted it to, I wanted it to   
Cause what I wanted to say   
Only got in the way  
I never meant to hurt you   
But I didn't have a clue_

The journey back seemed to take three times as long then the trip to leave.  I kept on running the words I would say through my head.  Trying to create a scene of perfection that could transport her heart into mine.  Foolish I know.  It doesn't matter if I sound like a world famous poet my words traveling out like pure romance, or if I sound like a person with a first grade education.  I hoped she could just feel my words and love like I can feel her's.  She smiles on seeing me and questions my quick return wondering if anything is wrong.  Forgetting the words I selected carefully I just blurt out I love you.  Her eyes drop down and all I hear is soft oh.   
  
_Every time you come around   
Every time I make a sound_

I knew that would happen.  She won't feel the same; I had just been kidding myself this whole time.  Or what if she did care and was afraid like I had been before?  There could a thousand reasons for her response and I could spend the rest of my life analyzing them.  What's the point?  I should forget about her and the way she breaks me feel, emotions I never knew existed come to surface when she is near.  I could try being normal again, but no.  
  



End file.
